Clinical Psychologist and Author: Dr. Stephan B. Poulter || Reading Room: "Important Information for Daughters"

Is Your Mother Factor Running Your Life?

Don't dismiss the present day influence of a troubled mother-child relationship, even if it occurred decades ago. Your emotional development and ability to form meaningful relationships in your family life, in your social life and with your intimate partners are based upon the emotional template formed through your relationship with your mother.

The unexplored areas of your mother factor legacy are the issues that will stall-out your life. Emotional blocks, careers that seem to go nowhere and repeated relationship failures all have their roots in your mother-child history. The more you come to understand and accept for the purpose of change and growth, the more your old road blocks will begin to crumble and disappear.

The following list of behaviors may seem like unrelated themes in your life, but they are worth examining for the purpose of changing your emotional attachment and belief system. Are you prone to . . .

Automatic anger and rage reactions to minor misunderstandings.
Uncontrollable angry outbursts at work and at home towards loved ones. You sometimes scare people with your anger.
Chronic feelings of failure, regardless of the true outcome.
Struggle with feelings of anxiety, have a history of panic attacks, or fear not being in control in any circumstance.
Very controlling of people, events, partners and money.
Commitment phobia in intimate relationships — can't date past a certain time period (a recurring pattern).
Unable to trust people — mistrust and paranoia are common emotional experiences for you.
Fight with your children about loving/respecting you — beyond typical parent/child arguments.
Emotionally or physically abandoned your children — regardless of your marriage status.
Eating issues — body image obsession.
Unable to maintain a stable, non-dramatic romantic relationship.
Unable to commit to a career path — or take the necessary steps to develop your career potential.
Strong personal feelings of disdain (shame) about yourself and dislike of your life circumstances — have feelings of worthlessness.
Lack personal relationships, professionally, socially and romantically.
Overly sexualized, but avoid emotional contact in personal encounters.

How many of these behaviors ring a bell for you in terms of your relationships with friends, business associates and others? These very common adult behaviors, personal beliefs, and feelings about your life are all strong indicators that your mother factor is running your life - and that you are not. It is essential to see the value of understanding how your adult distress is related to your primary relationship model and legacy: Your mother factor.

Your life is a composite of relationships in the home, outside the home and most importantly, within yourself. As much as the media, talk shows, education, and cultural awareness explore mother-child interactions, a full appreciation of these dynamics is still rare.

The mother factor isn't about blaming your mother for your current struggles, but quite the opposite. One of our goals is to use your mother factor as leverage to move your life past your "blind spots" and personal pitfalls. It is our emotional and psychological "blind spots" that we spend our lives running from or avoiding, and until we learn to control them, our lives will never be quite what they could and should be.

Source: Dr. Stephan B. Poulter