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 Did FATHER know best?: How dad's parenting style contributes to how you do your job
June 18, 2006 At age 7, Carly Drum got a head start on her business career. Her dad built her a mini home office right in her bedroom closet, complete with supplies, a phone line and Carly-as-chief-executive business cards. Other kids played house, says Drum, now 28. "I played business. ... I would call up my friends and fire them." Sure, she may have been naturally assertive and competitive. But she adds: "My dad was my biggest mentor." Brian Drum is an executive recruiter, and "his passion is transparent," she says. "It's also contagious." So it's little wonder that after a few years honing her skills at a large communications firm, she is now working with her dad as managing director of Drum Associates in lower Manhattan. What better day than Father's Day to reflect on the legacy of dads when it comes to their offsprings' career choices, work ethic and communication styles - especially as fathers continue to seek an expanded role in raising their kids. A survey by CareerBuilder, the online job site, found that four in 10 working dads with kids younger than 18 said that if their spouse earned enough, they would stay home to do Mr. Mom duty. Just imagine what dads from the 1950s, '60s and even the '70s would have said in such a survey. In fact, just imagine anyone even asking them. When it comes to a child's success in adulthood, the father's role has been less examined than the mother's, according to Stephan B. Poulter, a psychologist in West Los Angeles and author of "The Father Factor: How Your Father's Legacy Impacts Your Career" (Prometheus, $18). Men traditionally have been "defined more by what they do outside the home than what they do at home," he says. Of course, a person's career life - the successes and failures - is influenced by far more than a dad's input: Birth order, family dynamics, personality, the influence or guidance of teachers or other family members - especially Mom - come into play. But Poulter says fathers' significance came into focus for him when, in his earlier career as a police officer in Glendale, Calif., he was struck by how many young people in trouble had no fathers in their lives - the "absent" father, he calls them. That's one factor that led him into a line of work where he could help people address issues that led up to their getting in trouble - to help them pick up the pieces and put their lives back together. Fathering styles In his book, Poulter describes four other fathering styles and resulting career legacies, the "compassionate mentor" like Drum's dad; the passive dad, the superachiever and the "time-bomb" dad - yes, a Tony Soprano type. And he says despite what you might expect, such volatile parenting does not necessarily lead sons and daughters to experience the most severe career problems. These hotheads' kids may become big-time conflict avoiders, but, he points out, that also may help them develop great people and mediating skills. "To survive, you have to learn to read your dad or you get creamed," he says, pointing to the experience of Bill Clinton. In his memoir, "My Life," the former president writes that he learned to lead "parallel lives" in his youth as a result of living with a sometimes violent alcoholic stepfather: one life of "friends and fun, learning and doing" and another of "uncertainty, anger and a dread of ever-looming violence." Absent dads The most severe problems can arise from having no father at all, Poulter says - perhaps a dad who's on the road most of the time, or who has simply left the family. Such an experience can lead to anger that plays out later as defiance of male authority figures, such as the boss, or conflict with co-workers. That's just what David Jones tries to counterbalance with a program he started in his off time in Far Rockaway called Fathers First, a support group in which many men who are members had no dads of their own - or any other positive role models - while they were growing up. By day, Jones, 43, of Elmont, is clinical director of the Visiting Nurse Service of New York's Head Start program. He sees anger and also "a glass ceiling that limits their abilities to dream big." It limits the men to wanting "a job with benefits and that's it." So along with helping them develop parenting skills, he tries to open them to more choices in their work lives, such as skills training and entrepreneurial endeavors. Jones says his own father was absent during his early years, but he had "strong women in my life who kept me focused." He now works hard as a dad so his four boys - Emory, 17; David, 14; Corey, 12; and Bryce, 6 - will have a different kind of childhood. He spends time with them and draws their attention to their abilities and what careers might ensue. He conducts "daddy boot camp" several times a week at a local track, where they run laps together. It's all about helping them see what's possible and the variety of choices they can make, he says. Interests can impact Beyond parenting styles, a father's interests can make an impact. Deanna Morton, a partner with InfiniTech Llc, a business development and marketing firm in Great Neck, says that was the case in her household. A defining moment came in the 1950s when her father, Stanley Peck, brought home the first television set in their Brooklyn neighborhood. That led to neighbors' congregating at their home to watch the likes of "The Milton Berle Show" and prizefighting. She says she recognized her dad was "emotionally connected" - and "I connected joyfulness and possibilities with that medium, and I still feel that way." She majored in communications in college and went on to head a corporate communications department, where she introduced video communications with far-flung offices, then co-founded InfiniTech, which does work with PBS, among other clients. Damaging influence Much has been studied about the damaging side of a parent's influence, which can be rooted in a parent's own sense of an unmet goal or desire. Mary Jacobsen, a therapist and career counselor in Arlington, Mass., and author of "Hand-Me-Down Dreams: How Families Influence Our Career Paths and How We Can Reclaim Them" (Three Rivers Press, $12), says well-meaning moms and dads can "sabotage a child's autonomy" by creating what seem to be opportunities but are actually demands, what she calls a "forced choice." In her workshops she shows a clip from "October Sky," a 1999 film based on the story of former NASA rocket engineer Homer Hickam. The film, set in the early 1950s, depicts the tension between the father who feels betrayed when his son refuses to follow him to work in the coal mines. The son chooses instead to follow his interests: designing and building rockets. It's a tension, says Jacobsen, between "loyalties and legacies." And the father comes to understand that even though his son did not follow in his footsteps, he did extract qualities and work characteristics that will lead him to success. "I'm just as pigheaded and stubborn as you," says the son. He goes on to say that his real hero is not a famous scientist but his dad. The son "pointed out the legacy in the relationship, and that can break the tension," Jacobsen says. And the father gets appreciated "not for what he does for a living, but who he is as a man." When young people do not break away from a parent's direction, they may reach their 30s looking back at their careers so far without finding any "enjoyable accomplishments," says Kate Wendleton, president of the Manhattan-based Five O'Clock Club, a career coaching network. She says it's at that stage that people start coming to her group looking to redirect their careers. Like father, like daughter Another fathering style, the "superachiever" dad, is out to set the world on fire, Poulter says. This guy works long hours, has high standards and can raise kids to have a superb work ethic. But he says there's a potential downside: The offspring never feel like they're good enough, and they may have trouble connecting emotionally with others. Drum says she and her dad "are complete workaholics." But, for them, it hasn't been a problem. "My friends are out at happy hour, and I'm still working at 8 p.m." - because she takes delight in her work. But her dad says he's actually pulled back from even longer hours. When his daughter was born, his son was 7, and Brian Drum realized how quickly time was flying by. That's when he vowed to be home for dinner at least 80 percent of the time when his kids were growing up. So even though he would leave his Milburn, N.J., home in the wee hours to be at the office by 6 a.m., he would strive to be home by 6:30 p.m. Brian Drum says he knows he was influenced by his own dad, a blue-collar worker who put in 18-hour days to support his wife and eight children. "You want to make money," his father would say, "you have to work overtime." And that led Brian Drum "not to be afraid to put in long hours to get the job done." But he recognizes that's not necessarily a good influence on his daughter. Jones, too, categorizes himself as a "superachiever," but a few years back he realized he needed to set better boundaries. He now aims to spend more quality time with his wife and sons. To dads, he says, such moments may look ordinary, but they are extraordinary to children." He wants dads to expand the definition of fatherhood beyond that of financial provider and to find ways to show up for those special moments - not just when there is an emergency. What dads can do Brian Drum, an executive recruiter in Manhattan, says he developed better fathering skills by attending a fathering workshop. Among the these lessons he learned: Really listen when your kids are talking to you. If you're writing out checks, "stop writing the damn check and listen!" Encourage children to be involved in sports. After all, he asks, what is the business world but a form of "organized competitive sport?" Kate Wendleton, president of the career coaching network The Five O'Clock Club, says don't become fixated on a child's entering a certain job field just because you have an "in." Sure, he or she may get a job - but also end up miserable. And beware of trying to live vicariously through your children by pushing them into a field you wanted to enter, says Mary Jacobsen, author of "Hand-Me-Down Dreams: How Families Influence Our Career Paths and How We Can Reclaim Them." Jacobsen also advises against sabotaging children's autonomy by becoming overly involved in their school and work issues. As Drum puts it, "behind every lazy child is a 'helpful' parent." FATHERING STYLES In his book"The Father Factor: How Your Father's Legacy Impacts Your Career," Stephan B. Poulter says that dads are most often a combination of these five styles: SUPERACHIEVER Dad values appearance, achievement and success. Impact on kids: They may wind up placing great importance on image and winning - but experience shame when they don't hit the mark. If your dad was a superachiever: Ask yourself: How much do you worry about what co-workers think of you? To move beyond the effects from this style of parenting, seek to strike a balance between ambition and self-acceptance. TIME BOMB Dad has random outbursts of anger. Impact on kids: They may do anything to avoid conflict or smooth it over. And they have great trouble saying "no." But they may also develop "people-reading" skills to help predict and diffuse such outbursts. If your dad was a time bomb: Ask yourself: To what degree are you driven by approval from others? To move on, examine what thoughts lead to anxiety. PASSIVE The most common style: Dad is stable, low-key, hard-working, reserved. Impact on kids: They can also develop a good work ethic and strong values, but suffer from self-doubt which, in turn, can lead to lack of ambition, fear of failure or depression. If your dad was passive: Ask yourself: What career/ work actions do you avoid? Work toward making a "mental shift" toward seeing that you have more power than you think. ABSENT Dad is emotionally and physically out of the picture. Impact on kids: Feelings of loss, rejection and possibly anger-management issues down the road at work. They may overachieve, sometimes preferring to work for themselves to avoid authority figures. If your dad was absent: Ask yourself: Do you deliberately create problems at work? To move beyond the effects, look for ways to start healing the anger. MENTOR Dad empowers his kids to pursue their dreams in a healthy way. Impact on kids:They develop career confidence and motivation and experience less "baggage." They work well with others and communicate effectively. Though this dad is not perfect, he is the model for others to aim for. If you had one, you were really lucky. 'Make your own life' For starters: You and your work life are an amalgam of many forces, and it may be inappropriate to pin all your problems on just one factor - like an absent or hothead dad. So you may want to examine that relationship as part of an overall career improvement plan. And here are some approaches to addressing the dad issue. First, know that it's never too late, says Mary Jacobsen, a therapist and career counselor in Arlington, Mass. Making a shift to a new career or way of operating likely will be complicated and may have to unfold gradually. But, with effort and tenacity, you can make changes. If your dad has been over-involved, you may have to find a way to thank him for what he has tried to do even as you claim "the right to make your own life," Jacobsen says. You can tell him - respectfully - that you know he may not understand the path you want to take but that "you taught me to be an independent person and strive for happiness." Know, too, that you deserve to have a better career life, she says, and that you are setting a good example for your own children by showing them that "happiness matters - and it's never too late." Help for dads Percentage of employers offering paid paternity leave 2001 15% 2002 14% 2003 12% 2004 15% 2005 16% SOURCE: SOCIETY FOR HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGEMENT Dads on the job Who the primary child-care providers are among fathers with working wives: Of all dads employed full-time:
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