Clinical Psychologist "Dr. Stephan B.Poulter" - In The News: "Milwaukee Journal - 'Your career is in your hands

Your career is in your hands - not your parents'

By: Margo Frey
Posted: June 18, 2006

Yesterday, many families celebrated the roles that fathers and grandfathers played in their lives. One of the roles is career influence.

A father's influence on his child's career can be both positive and negative. Stephan B. Poulter, author of "The Father Factor: How Your Father's Legacy Impacts Your Career" (Prometheus Books, 2006), observes that a father's influence "can create your most significant weakness on the job as well as your most significant strength. It can determine your level of job satisfaction."

Some fathers guide their children through the career exploration process by giving them feedback about their strengths and weaknesses. They encourage their children to explore their own career interests, and they arrange opportunities for them to talk to people in those careers. They mentor their children just as they mentor their employees or co-workers.

Other fathers push their children to choose a career that fulfills the father's objectives. That might involve joining the family business, or pursuing a career the father believes will provide job security or great financial rewards or prestige.Mary H. Jacobsen, author of "Hand-Me-Down Dreams: How Families Influence Our Career Paths and How We Can Reclaim Them" (Three Rivers Press, 1999), believes many young people attempt to achieve their parents' unfulfilled dreams by choosing a career the parent wanted but wasn't able to have.

But family influence on career is often more subtle. It shows up in many ways in messages about how to live. This influence is part of every childhood. Jacobsen identifies three questions all families answer: "Why do we work? What does money mean? How do you know you're a success?"Poulter observes that "most men raised in the 1930s through the 1950s were expected to excel, achieve and overcome the Great Depression and World War II like their fathers had," and the "only way to raise healthy, high-functioning children was through high career and personal expectations."He points out that many men who married and had children in the 1950-'70s inherited from their grandfathers and fathers their focus on success at school and in business. Faulty expectationsCurrently, their "daughters and sons are wondering why this formula for success is causing so much pain, career frustration and relationship failure." For them, "success is much more than money, position and power.

"Poulter observes that" no career can thrive without the understanding and appreciation of the empathic and emotional side of a person." These values weren't a concern to most fathers 30 years ago, just a luxury they couldn't afford. You have bucked up against different career values if you've ever expressed dissatisfaction about your job and been asked by a parent, "What do you mean you don't find your job fulfilling? You make a decent salary don't you? Why look for another job when you already have a decent one?"The same is true when you are asked, "When are you going to get a real job?"If you feel trapped by parental career expectations that are not in accord with your own interests, values and skills, you need to move beyond parental expectations and make changes that are in accord with your desires.

But finding your own way is easier said than done. It took Tripp Friedler, author of "Free Gulliver: Six Swift Lessons in Life Planning" (Trost Publishing, 2005), a number of career ventures before he came into his own. As he reviewed his previous business choices, Friedler realized they all involved relationships. He had entered each business because he wanted to work with the person who was already involved in the industry. He "realized that I had been chasing someone else's dream." After this realization, he felt free to move on.

As Poulter points out, "Unlocking the door to your future is all in your hands. You have the power to achieve, regardless of your past beliefs and rules. "One of the scariest parts of being an adult is that we are absolutely, 100 percent responsible for our lives and the choices we make. Our father isn't even remotely responsible for our life now - it's all ours!" If your career is not both satisfying and challenging to you, now would be a good time to analyze why you chose it and what changes you need to make to improve or replace it. Don't wait until you are your father's age.

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