Clinical Psychologist "Dr. Stephan B.Poulter" - In The News: Arizona Republic "Today's fathers cuddling up to role as nurturers"

Today's fathers cuddling up to role as nurturers

By Janie Magruder
Jun. 17, 2006

Caught between the rock of his traditional upbringing and the hard place that is 21st-century parenting, today's father is making tough decisions about who he is:

Disciplinarian or nurturer? Dictator or guidance counselor? Absent breadwinner or involved parent who sacrifices for his children?

An estimated 66.3 million fathers live in the U.S., according to the Census Bureau. Of those, 26.4 million are married and raising kids ages 17 and under, and an additional 2.3 million are single dads of dependent children.

Many grew up in traditional families where Dad brought home the bacon, set rules and doled out punishment, while Mom stayed at home, helped at school, bandaged hurts and hugged away sorrows.

But with divorce on the rise and more women in the workplace, those once-distinct roles are blurring, and young fathers are more hands-on in a nurturing way than ever before.

"What you're starting to see with fathers now is this notion of being more holistic in their view of fatherhood, that good fathers provide nurturing and guidance, and they enter their children's emotional world," said Roland C. Warren of the National Fatherhood Initiative. "The guys who are still locked into the old model of provider and disciplinarian have a hard time nurturing and guiding."

Not that today's dad has no connection to his father. The time-honored role as breadwinner is deeply ingrained.

"There's still a strong sense that to be a good dad, you need to be a good provider," said Warren, president of the Maryland-based advocacy group. Compared with mothers, society undervalues the importance of fathers, he said.

"For kids, it seems like, 'Mom can't help but love me,' and women are so wired that way," he said. "Fatherhood is more socially constructed, it's a more fragmented institution, and as a result, men have to make choices around fathering."

When fathers choose to be involved, he said, "kids in some spiritual way know this guy is . . . making a choice to connect with them, and that makes a significant positive impact because they already see there are other people who choose not to be connected."

A national response
Tim Russert found out how connected children are to their dads after he wrote a book about his father. The host of NBC's Meet the Press was surprised by the flood of nearly 60,000 e-mails and letters after the publication of his bestseller, Big Russ & Me, Father and Son: Lessons of Life. Many are included in Russert's new book, Wisdom of Our Fathers: Lessons and Letters From Daughters and Sons.

"They never wanted to talk about the expensive vacations or material gifts," Russert said of his readers. "They wanted to talk about that special moment or the constant examples of discipline and hard work."

Russert's own father wasn't demonstrative in his love for his family. He worked two jobs, and Russert promised himself as a young man that he would find work that enabled him to be there more for his offspring.

It's a common desire among male readers of his first book.

And they are more involved: Fathers in dual-income households spent 2.7 hours a day caring for and doing things with their children in 2002, up from 1.9 hours a day in 1977, according to the Families and Work Institute. At the same time, the average number of hours fathers work increased to 51.3 hours from 46.7 hours.

Last month, Mike Armfield decided not to apply for a promotion that would have bumped his salary by 25 percent and given him more responsibility. It also would have taken more time away from his children, Jessi, 13, and J.D., 9, whom he coaches in soccer and other sports.

Armfield, a recreation supervisor for Tempe, said his colleagues were shocked he didn't apply.

"It was a very easy decision," the 47-year-old Mesa man said. "My son's only 9, and I've only got another few years with him until he moves on to junior high and high school, where the relationship between a parent and a child changes."

Armfield's father, John, who died in 1999, coached him and his two brothers, set up games between their Ajo teams and ones nearby, printed their jerseys, and drove for miles to get them there and back.

The education difference
A recent survey of about 4,900 men by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention concluded that the more educated the man, the more involved the father. About 87 percent of college-educated fathers played with their young children daily, compared with 76 percent of those who only went to high school. However, about 35 percent of fathers who didn't finish high school said they helped with or checked their kids' homework, compared with 27 percent of college fathers.

Stephan Poulter, a psychologist and author of Father Your Son: How To Become the Father You've Always Wanted To Be, said the CDC study sells short good fathers who haven't had the benefit of more education.

"It has nothing to do with their education or their relationships with their own dads," Poulter said. "Fathers matter, and if men believe that, it will change the whole face of the family overnight."

That traditionally mom organization, the PTA, has enjoyed recent success in its push to increase its numbers of men. It's not difficult to recruit men if you just ask them, said Chuck Saylor, the national organization's secretary/treasurer.

"Men are saying, 'Tell me what you want me to do and how you want it done, and I'll get it done," said Saylor, a Greenville, S.C., father of four. Twice a year, Lookout Mountain Elementary in Phoenix formally invites its fathers to join Dads on Duty. The program, founded nearly five years ago, matches dads' interests and schedules with jobs around campus.

About 90 parents helped out last school year, supervising children on playgrounds, moving heavy equipment for festivals, and teaching in the computer lab, co-Chairman Paul Wilson said.

Brett Sorgnit has a few years before he can join such a group. For now, he is content chasing his 18-month-old daughter, Anna, around his parents' Glendale home. But this single father with a high-school degree has higher goals for his girl.

"I would like her to be one of the smartest," said Sorgnit, 22. "I want her to be happy and do what she wants to do and get a good education.

"Society is wanting fathers to be more nurturing, and I don't disagree with that. I would love to be there for my daughter."

< Got To Main News Page Return to Top of This Page