Being a stepfather is far from easy. Not only do you have the challenge of “instant fatherhood,” you have to father someone (or several someones) who may not welcome you with open arms! But with the right attitude you can forge a powerful, influential bond with your stepson or stepdaughter that lasts a lifetime.

Dr. Poulter offers the following tips:

* Reach an agreement about the house rules. In other words, don’t create the impression that you’re issuing orders and “taking over.” Your stepchild needs to understand that you and his mother are acting in concert. When you must discipline him, he should recognize that you have the complete support of his mom.

* Don’t minimize your role as a stepfather. From an emotional standpoint, kids don’t discriminate between stepfather and father, which are artificial labels. Being a father is being a father. Your new child will bond with you based on the love, support, interest, and attention you give her life. Therefore, be involved. Resist the impulse to fade into the shadows where your stepchild is concerned, deferring to her “real” father, your wife, grandparents, and others.

* Teach the five “R’s”—respect, rules, roles, responsibilities, and realistic expectations. Your new child may not like you at first, but he can learn to be respectful. With your wife, spell out the house rules, your child’s responsibilities, and you and your wife’s responsibilities. In addition, specify your expectations. Do you expect him to clean his room each day? Does he expect you to attend his Little League games? This will reduce the disappointment when expectations aren’t met as well as cut down on the fights and other negative actions when rules are broken or responsibilities are shirked because they weren’t clearly defined.

* Never “bad mouth” your child’s birth father publicly. It may be that his birth father is a physically abusive, drug-using jerk. Nevertheless, you should not refer to him as a jerk in front of your stepchild. Children are loyal to their fathers even when there’s no rational reason why they should be. Respect your stepchild’s feelings. By being a good person and a good role model, you’re essentially communicating the message that her biological father is not a good model, but you’re doing it in a way that won’t make her angry at you.

* Adore and respect your new wife in front of her child. It is a huge relief when a child—particularly a boy—sees his mother in a loving, nurturing, supportive relationship. Even though he may not seem relieved initially, he will be grateful for your loving, respectful attitude. This is especially true if your predecessor was abusive. By treating your wife with love and respect, you’re also modeling for your stepson how women should be treated, a lesson he may not have learned from his biological father.

Dr. Stephan Poulter offers a keynote presentation/workshop entitled Super Stepfathers: Stepping into Your New Role with Confidence and Love. Click here for more information.