For Immediate Release

Happy Blended Holidays: 12 Ways “Non-Traditional” Families Can
Make the Most of the End-of-Year Festivities
With a little flexibility and a big dose of insight, blended families can actually enjoy the holiday season. Psychologist Stephan Poulter explains how.

      Los Angeles, CA (November 2004)—’Tis the season for turkey and tinsel and stars and menorahs and family celebrations. Sounds great, but there’s one problem. You have what’s euphemistically called a “blended family.” That means ’tis also the season for clashing schedules, strained visits with ex-spouses, stressed-out kids, and waaaay too many gifts to buy. You love your children—be they biological, “step,” or some of each—and you want them to have joyful holiday memories. But sometimes you wish you could pull a “holiday Rip Van Winkle”: fall asleep in November and wake up in January.

      Psychologist Stephan Poulter, author of Father Your Son: How to Become the Father You’ve Always Wanted to Be (McGraw-Hill, 2004, ISBN: 0-07141713-3, $14.95), feels your pain. Not only is he a divorced dad himself, he spends much of his time counseling clients on how to navigate the blended family minefield. He knows that the typical problems tend to assert themselves even more strongly around the holidays.

      “Figures from the 2000 census bureau indicate that 67 percent of all families are ‘blended,’” says Poulter. “So you certainly aren’t alone in dreading the holidays. Even ‘traditional’ families find this time of year stressful. When you add custody issues, logistical problems, and emotional baggage left over from divorce, it’s easy to see why the five weeks or so between Thanksgiving and New Year’s can be difficult. But you can make the holidays fun and relaxing, not just for your kids, but for yourself.”

Poulter offers the twelve tips for surviving (and even enjoying!) the holiday season:

• Accept the custody agreement. Sure, it’s hard to be away from your child on Thanksgiving or Christmas. But this is not the time to fight it. Your child loves his other parent as much as he does you. Furthermore, he doesn’t deserve to have his holiday ruined by parental fighting or insidious guilt feelings for “making Mommy and/or Daddy sad.” No matter how hard you have to bite your tongue, bite it. Your child is worth it.
• Frame the “split holiday” in a positive light. Your child may feel dejected about having to spend half her Christmas break with you and half with her other parent. But if you put a good spin on it, that’s less likely to happen. You can do this via your own attitude (don’t make bitter remarks or roll your eyes when your ex’s name comes up) and by pointing out how great it is that she has two parents who love her very much.
• Revenge is a dish best not served at all during the holidays. While we’re on the subject, the entire holiday should be as free as possible of the emotional baggage you may be carrying regarding your divorce. Obviously, don’t bicker in front of the kids. But also, don’t indulge in more subtle manifestations of your anger, like oneupsmanship: “Oh, Dad got you an X-box? Well, I got you a home entertainment system for your bedroom! Let’s invite your friends over to watch movies all night!”
• Plan, plan, plan. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Some of the biggest challenges you face during the holidays are not emotional; they’re logistical. What do you do when four sets of grandparents want your family to have Christmas Day at their house? How do you ensure that your child doesn’t get duplicates of his “if I don’t have it I’ll die” gift? What happens when your family gathering falls on the same day as the Hanukkah service at your ex-spouse’s Temple—and your child is wanted at both? The only way to solve these issues is through advance planning and communication: with your extended family, your children, and yes, your ex.
• Don’t overschedule. If your child is spending every other day on a plane or in a car being shuttled from Mom’s to Dad’s to Grandma’s to the other Grandma’s, she will not enjoy the holidays. Neither will you. Avoid the temptation to try to squeeze everyone in. If possible, work out an agreement with your spouse to minimize the amount of running around you and your child have to do. Also remember that it’s okay to say no. You don’t have to attend every party or family gathering or religious service that presents itself. Some quiet, restful time at home is good for everyone.
• Don’t be a slave to the calendar. It’s not carved in stone that you have to serve the turkey on November 25^th. If your ex has the kids on Thanksgiving Day, why not hold your own Thanksgiving dinner, complete with grandparents, on Sunday, the 28^th? (If you’re worried that everyone will be tired of turkey, consider breaking with tradition and serve, say, fondue instead.) This will give everyone an event to look forward to during the often dreary, post-holiday lull.
• In gift giving, think quality and equality. Try not to duplicate. If you have, say, a biological child and a stepchild, make sure they get the same quality of gifts. That doesn’t mean the gifts should be identical. (The “duplicate” approach fails to take individual tastes and personalities into account and should be avoided.) Children, especially those who have been through a divorce, are sensitive to discrepancies. Communicate closely with your current spouse—and possibly your ex as well—to prevent them from occurring.
• Yes, you should buy gifts “from your child” to your ex. Again, this is no time to be petty or vengeful. Your child loves his other parent and wants to give him or her a gift. Buy the gift on your child’s behalf. If you’re feeling especially generous, you might even buy a gift from your child to his stepparent. If you cringe at the idea, consider these purchases to be gifts for your child—your generosity will truly make him happy.
• It’s better to draw names than overdraw your bank account. Sometimes in blended families there are three or four extended family gatherings every year. That can add up to a lot of presents to buy! To relieve the financial pressure, suggest that everyone in the group draw names (and set a low price limit for gifts). This will likely be a huge relief to everyone concerned, and taking the emphasis away from materialistic excess is a good lesson in the “true meaning” of Hanukkah and/or Christmas for your child.
• Allow your child to express normal feelings. When your child is away from her father or mother at the holidays, she will almost surely miss him or her. Assure her that these feelings are normal and okay. Suggest that she call her other parent regularly. If your child is away from you, share her excitement when she calls to describe the gifts she’s received. Her feelings are valid. Let her express them, and don’t take it personally.
• Create new traditions with your blended family. Traditions help us identify with our families and create cherished memories. To help your kids and stepkids form a strong and lasting bond, start a fun new tradition. Go ice-skating every Christmas Eve. Or make cookies and distribute them throughout the neighborhood. Or let your kids have a tree-decorating slumber party the weekend of Thanksgiving. Whatever your “event” might be, you and your kids will look forward to it every year.
• If you’re alone during the holidays, plan something special for yourself. Spending the holidays alone can be hard, especially if you are a single parent whose ex has the kids for Christmas or Hanukkah. Don’t hang around the house feeling depressed. Plan something special for yourself. You might want to book a weekend at a spa or resort. Go visit an old friend who lives out of town. Or do something that’s rewarding for you and helps out someone else, like volunteering at a soup kitchen or adopting a homeless pet.
  
        “Most of us have idealistic, even unrealistic, expectations for the holidays,” says Poulter. “But life can be messy and unpredictable, and few people really have the Norman Rockwellesque experiences we’d like. That’s as true of traditional families as it is of blended ones. So if I had to sum up my advice to parents of blended families, I would say this: be creative, be flexible, be generous, and be forgiving. Your kids will enjoy the holidays more, and so will you.”
  

About the Book:

Father Your Son: How to Become the Father You’ve Always Wanted to Be (McGraw-Hill, 2004, ISBN 0-07141713-3, $14.95) is available at bookstores nationwide and all major online booksellers or by visiting www.mcgraw-hill.com.

About the Author:

Dr. Stephan B. Poulter is a licensed clinical psychologist with a private practice in West Los Angeles, California. He has worked in various settings with more than 2,200 fathers and sons in the last twenty-three years. In 1998 he co-authored Mending the Broken Bough: Restoring the Promise of the Mother and Daughter Relationship (Berkley Books) with Dr. Barbara Zax.

Married, and the father of a boy and a girl, Dr. Stephan Poulter is passionate about the issue of fathers’ needing to be active, present, and involved with their sons. “Men want a book that speaks to them regardless of race, profession, and marital status,” he says. “Men want to do a better job with their sons than their fathers did with them, and you don’t necessarily need a Ph.D. to write that book. I have the academic credentials and the clinical background—but more importantly, the journey of fatherhood has always been one of the overarching themes in my life. I wrote this book from the heart. Men want an honest and direct approach that addresses their concerns, fears, and questions about fathering their son. Men will listen to other men about fathering because there is a knowledge vacuum surrounding this all important topic.”

For Immediate Release

“D” Is for Dad:
Fifteen Ways Fathers Can Help Their Kids Excel in School
Caring fathers are getting more and more involved in the academic
lives of their children. Psychologist Stephan Poulter offers some thoughts on
why—and how—you should join them in the schoolyard.

      Los Angeles, CA (August 2004)—Hang out at your local school and you’ll see it more and more: Dads dropping their kids off in the mornings. Dads carrying trays of food in the cafeteria. Dads passing out cupcakes at classroom birthday parties. Dads chaperoning on field trips. Perhaps because women are busier than ever before, men are venturing into what used to be “mom” territory. They’re getting more involved in those aspects of their children’s school days that don’t involve goalposts or baseball diamonds. And psychologist Stephan Poulter applauds this trend.

      “If you’re a father, there are big benefits to becoming deeply entrenched in your children’s academic lives,” says Poulter, author of the new book Father Your Son: How to Become the Father You’ve Always Wanted to Be (McGraw-Hill, 2004, ISBN: 0-07141713-3, $14.95). “First, it shows them that you care. Your involvement in such a major part of their lives builds their self-esteem and thus their success in school and, ultimately, adulthood. Second, it shows them that education matters to you. And when it matters to dad, it usually matters to kids, too.”

      Poulter is not implying that a father’s involvement is more important than a mother’s. Indeed, he emphasizes the importance of both parents making an effort, especially in an era when school is more demanding than ever. Besides, every parent knows that when mom and dad speak in a unified voice, children listen better. And when that voice is saying “school is important,” children thrive.

      So how, specifically, can dads get more involved in their child’s learning life? Taking care to add a moms-can-use-these-tips-as-well disclaimer, Poulter offers the following fifteen suggestions:

• Help your child get off to a good start. Whatever form your involvement may take, start doing it at the beginning of the school year. The first four weeks are the most critical because they set the tempo for the rest of the year.

• Share your expectations for the school year. Discuss upcoming big events with your child. He will not feel as overwhelmed if you discuss these events in advance.

• Make sure you meet your child’s teacher and stay in touch even if things are going well. The teacher tends to call you more quickly to elicit support and help with your child if she feels you are involved. Teachers are often more likely to contact mothers if there is a problem, mostly because mothers are more likely to communicate concerns. You can overcome this bias by showing that you are just as concerned about your child’s education. Regardless of your marital status, make sure the teacher knows your child’s education is a top priority in your life.

• Don’t be the dad who shows up ONLY when there is a problem. If you ignore their education until there is a problem, they may learn that poor academic performance is the only way to get your attention.

• Step foot in the school at least once a week. Take your child to school, eat lunch with her in the cafeteria, go on field trips, attend a sporting event, and so forth. Show up unannounced from time to time. If you’re a divorced dad, this is a great way to spend time with your children and to meet their friends.

• Make time for your child to tell you about her day and also take the time to tell her about your day. If you can establish a good communication pattern and rapport with your child, she will be much more likely to talk to you about any problems she is having.

• Remember that Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday are the heaviest “homework days.” Take that into consideration when planning the family schedule. Monitor your child’s homework assignments to make sure they are completed correctly and in a timely manner.

• If your child is elementary school age, read with her at least twice a week for thirty minutes. If you do this, she will likely be more willing to do her homework and participate more in class. Take her to the library once every week or two and let her choose her own reading material. If you think it’s too juvenile for her age group, don’t worry. As her confidence and love of reading grows, her choices will naturally grow more sophisticated.

• Suggest that your child’s school implement a program that brings parents into the classroom to describe their careers. This is a great way to help kids realize the broad range of opportunities available to both men and women.

• When helping with homework, don’t take a “Dad to the rescue!” attitude. If your child needs help with a difficult assignment, work through it with him and help him understand how the process leads to the final answer. Ask focused, step-by-step questions. If you try to solve problems for your child, you will foster dependence rather than self-sufficiency and confidence.

• It’s okay if you can’t answer a particular question. It shows your child that no one has “all the answers” but that it’s possible to find them. Help her find the answer. Go to the encyclopedia or get online and, together, seek out the answer.

• If your child isn’t meeting your academic standards, let him know that you expect him to do better on future assignments. Just don’t turn homework into a war zone. When you rely on positive encouragement rather than threats or punishment, he will try to meet your expectations.

• If special tutoring is necessary, don’t make your child feel ashamed. And don’t make her forgo other commitments such as sports activities or dance lessons. Remember that her self-acceptance is far more important than her success in school. If she’s truly doing her best, it’s okay if she doesn’t get straight A’s.

• Keep reading to your child even after he learns how. This may be especially critical for boys, who tend not to do as well in reading. When your son sees you reading books and magazines, he gets the message that reading is enjoyable and “manly.” And whether you have a son or daughter, know that your support of reading and learning has at least as much impact on your child’s academic success as the quality of his or her school.

• Don’t be a “math/science sexist.” It’s a common belief that boys have natural ability in math and science, so parents and teachers alike tend to encourage boys in these areas more than they do girls. Don’t fall into this trap. Realize that girls who excel in math and science usually have fathers who are supportive and rewarding of their efforts. Just don’t solve your daughter’s problems for her—she needs the freedom and space to develop her own skills.

      If the idea of being deeply involved in your child’s academic life seems alien to you, you’re not alone, says Poulter. Old habits die hard. But when you realize what’s at stake, you won’t mind shattering a few stereotypes.

      “When children have the support of both parents, they take school more seriously,” says Poulter. “They have higher test scores and GPAs. They are more likely to go on to higher education. And they’re more likely to have more successful careers and lives. When you consider these facts, you won’t mind taking a day off to chaperone your child’s field trip, or getting up early to drive her to school once a week, or forgoing your favorite sitcom to read to him at bedtime. Even a few small efforts can make a big difference in your child’s future. And you will probably surprise yourself by enjoying the time you share.”

# # #

About the Author:

Dr. Stephan B. Poulter is a licensed clinical psychologist with a private practice in West Los Angeles, California. He has worked in various settings with more than 2,200 fathers and sons in the last twenty-three years. In 1998 he co-authored Mending the Broken Bough: Restoring the Promise of the Mother and Daughter Relationship (Berkley Books) with Dr. Barbara Zax.

Married, and the father of a boy and a girl, Dr. Stephan Poulter is passionate about the issue of fathers’ needing to be active, present, and involved with their sons. “Men want a book that speaks to them regardless of race, profession, and marital status,” he says. “Men want to do a better job with their sons than their fathers did with them, and you don’t necessarily need a Ph.D. to write that book. I have the academic credentials and the clinical background—but more importantly, the journey of fatherhood has always been one of the overarching themes in my life. I wrote this book from the heart. Men want an honest and direct approach that addresses their concerns, fears, and questions about fathering their son. Men will listen to other men about fathering because there is a knowledge vacuum surrounding this all important topic.”

About the Book:

Father Your Son: How to Become the Father You’ve Always Wanted to Be (McGraw-Hill, 2004, ISBN 0-07141713-3, $14.95) is available at bookstores nationwide and all major online booksellers or by visiting www.mcgraw-hill.com.

For Immediate Release

A Day to Bridge the Dad Divide: How to Make June 20th
All About Your Son
Just in time for Father's Day, psychologist and author Stephan Poulter offers some simple tips on how to deepen and strengthen your bond with your son.

• Connect with your son in age-appropriate ways. A few suggestions:
  If your son is a baby or child up to age 5: It doesn't matter what you do. Very small children just want to spend time alone with Daddy. Whether you spend time playing with toys, reading his favorite books, or running through the sprinkler, your son will love the time and attention.
  If your son is 6 to 10: To a child of this age, activity does matter. Dedicate the day to doing something fun: play baseball with him, take him to the park, go swimming or camping, spend a few hours playing computer games.
  If your son is 11 to 18: Ask him what he wants to do. Kids this age have definite ideas about what's "cool" and what's not. So let him take the lead. You might end up doing something as simple as seeing a movie, eating at a favorite restaurant, or just hanging out in the garage working on the car.
  If your son is 19 to 29: Have dinner, just the two of you. The idea is that you focus on your son exclusively. Sons in their twenties need private time with their father.
  If your son is 30 or older: Believe it or not, your son still needs you in his life. At least give him a phone call and talk about his job, relationship, and/or children. He really will appreciate the effort. All sons, regardless of age, still have the need for their father's support.
  
• Give your son your approval. More than anything, this is what your son craves from you. If you don't know what to do for your son, give him your approval. Show an interest in what's going on in his life (not yours). Whether you talk to your seven-year-old about the fort he's building in the woods or your 35-year-old about his new baby, your son will be happy that you care and that you showed genuine interest in him.
  
• Steer clear of volatile issues. Maybe you and your young son have an ongoing fight about his slipping grades. Maybe you've caught your teenager with drugs. Maybe your son is now an adult but you feel huge regret over abandoning him as a child. Whatever "issues" lurk between you and your son, let them go for one day. Just enjoy your son's company, show him unconditional support/love, and vow to make a fresh start if necessary. You can do anything for a day.
  
• If you're the father of a daughter, you're not off the hook. "It's true that the father-daughter dynamic is different from the father-son dynamic," says Poulter. "But that doesn't mean it's any less important. Fathers impart confidence, self-worth, courage, and hope to their daughters. So this Father's Day, make time for your daughter. Do something she enjoys. If you're not sure, ask her. Your love and attention do matter. Remember: fathers matter."

      But what if you're a son who feels the need to connect with his father? Do it, urges Poulter. Both fathers and sons have a lot to gain from deepening their relationship, and Father's Day is a great time to reach across any breach that may exist.

      "To be a healthy human being you must 'find your father' in the figurative sense," says Poulter. "This is important for your emotional, psychological, and spiritual wellbeing, and it's especially critical if you have kids of your own or stepchildren. Father or son, you can make Father's Day a symbolic turning point in your relationship. Really, truly connect and you'll be amazed at what a difference a day makes . . . in both your lives."

# # #

About the Book:
Father Your Son: How to Become the Father You've Always Wanted to Be (McGraw-Hill, 2004, ISBN 0-07141713-3, $14.95) is available at bookstores nationwide and all major online booksellers or by visiting www.mcgraw-hill.com.

About the Author:

Dr. Stephan B. Poulter is a licensed clinical psychologist with a private practice in West Los Angeles, California. He has worked in various settings with more than 2200 fathers and sons in the last twenty-three years. In 1998 he co-authored Mending the Broken Bough: Restoring the Promise of the Mother and Daughter Relationship (Berkley Books) with Dr. Barbara Zax.

Married, and the father of a boy and a girl, Dr. Stephan Poulter is passionate about the issue of fathers' needing to be active, present and involved with their sons. "Men want a book that speaks to them regardless of race, profession and marital status," he says. "Men want to do a better job with their sons than their fathers did with them, and you don't necessarily need a Ph.D. to write that book. I have the academic credentials and the clinical background—but more importantly, the journey of fatherhood has always been one of the overarching themes in my life. I wrote this book from the heart. Men want an honest and direct approach that addresses their concerns, fears and questions about fathering their son. Men will listen to other men about fathering because there is a knowledge vacuum surrounding this all important topic."

For Immediate Release

Father Figures: Which of the Five Fathering Styles
Best Describes You?
A new book by Stephan Poulter, Ph.D., says there are five fundamental fathering styles. For your son's sake, you need to determine yours—and take
steps to make it better.

      New York, NY (April 2004)—Do you make an effort to father your son? At first glance, this seems like a ludicrous question. Didn't you provide half his genetic material? Don't you go out every day and earn a living to keep a roof over his head and food on his table? Don't you take him on vacation, teach him to ride a bike, and attend his Little League games? But there's a difference between being a father and actively, consciously, deliberately fathering. According to Stephan B. Poulter, Ph.D., most men put more thought into how they pursue their careers than into how they influence their sons. And that's the problem. If you don't pay attention, you will end up fathering by default—a mode that was most likely determined by your own father.

      "It's not that men who are less-than-ideal fathers don't love their sons," explains Poulter, author of the new book Father Your Son: How to Become the Father You've Always Wanted to Be (McGraw-Hill, 2004, ISBN 0-07141713-3, $14.95). "They do love them desperately. But fathering is a learned skill, and there's much more to it than paying the bills and playing an occasional game of catch in the backyard. Fathering your son means connecting with him on a deep, emotional level. The problem is that if your father didn't connect with you in this way, you're operating under a handicap. Whether you unconsciously repeat it or deliberately reject it, your father's parenting style does affect yours."

      A big part of becoming a good father has to do with exploring your relationship with your own father. Poulter calls this process of introspection "going into the cave." Once you've confronted the sins of your father, grieved the hurt he caused and forgiven him, you can leave "the cave" better equipped to forge a strong, healthy bond with your own son. Father Your Son explains how to approach this often frightening process.

      First things first, however. Job number one is to get a handle on how you currently interact with your son. Poulter says there are five fundamental fathering styles, and while you may employ elements of all five, one of them will predominate. The five styles are:

      Super Achiever. The super achiever father is a man who never received nurturing from his father. In order to compensate for this loss of emotional support, he develops a competitive nature that is always looking for perfection in work, relationships or anything else that will cover up the loss of a relationship with his father. Part and parcel of this competitiveness is a hypercritical nature. This is one reason men frequently engage in cruel teasing; such teasing is a way of unloading all the anger and self-hatred they harbor. It is also the reason they constantly criticize and are hostile to their sons. As fathers get in their verbal digs, spend little time with their sons and always ask for perfection, these sons feel like losers if they're not the best at whatever they're doing.

      Time Bomb. This style of fathering is based solely on the fear factor. Authority in this house is maintained by sheer volume of emotional expression. The use of threatening language, anger, yelling, and promises of physical violence are the status quo. The norm is the unpredictability of this father's response to anything and everything. A harmless comment such as, "How was your day, Dad?" can set off an explosion. These explosions do not have to be alcohol related but many times are fueled by it. The son of this father is also in a constant state of chaos and fear. He looks terrified and fearful much of the time and nothing feels safe for him. This boy is the first stop for the father's abuse in all its forms: physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, and mental. It is not necessarily what the father says that is disturbing, but the way it is wrapped up in a ball of fire and hatred. Everyone in the house is sensitized to this phenomenon. In order to survive, the son learns to develop amazing people pleasing skills early on.

      Passive Father. Mainstream culture refers to this father as the "1950s, Ozzie Nelson, Leave It to Beaver, Father Knows Best" type. He is stable, consistent, hard-working, calm and reserved. He would never contemplate or engage in any type of self-destructive behavior toward his son, family, or self. What is missing is a strong emotional connection between father and son. While they don't fight or have any animosity between them, they also lack energy, understanding and willingness to display love toward and support for one another. Sons of passive fathers grow into men who, in their thirties and forties, find themselves unable to express themselves emotionally. Since mom handled the emotional expression duties in the family, the son assumes that his wife also will take on this role. In today's environment, however, Ozzie will not make Harriet happy; she expects him to be more emotionally involved in Ricky's and David's lives.

      Absent Father. The "absent" style of fathering can be literal (a deadbeat dad who abandons his son) or figurative (emotionally or intellectually absent). All types of absent fathering lead to the son's profound sadness and anger. The natural psychological response to a loss is fear, pain, and then anger to cover up the wound. A father's death is also a loss, but his involuntary departure versus the voluntary exit creates a different type of effect on the son. Typically, boys cope with absent fathers in a number of ways. First, they become overachievers, attempting to be the man their fathers never were and thereby please their mothers. Second, they personalize their fathers' indifference and rejection, assuming they are at fault for his departure. Third, they take their anger out on society and people closest to them. Trusting relationships are difficult for sons of absent fathers to form. It's why so many of them have difficulty working for others, especially male bosses. These men often aren't sure why they distrust, disdain, and dislike male authority figures, and this lack of insight may seem irrational from an outside perspective.

      Compassionate/Mentor. The Compassionate/Mentor (C/M) style, as the name implies, combines emotional intelligence with a wise teacher approach. Sons feel that their dads are making them their number one priority, and fathers are willing to do whatever it takes to raise their sons properly. This style of fathering involves providing an emotional safe harbor in which the toddler, pre-teen and young man feels he can take chances, fail, and still be surrounded by his father's love. As part of the C/M style, fathers help their sons learn how to reason. This might seem like a relatively innocuous task, but fathers who help their sons reason allow for the differences of opinions that independent reasoning produces. Rather than ignore or mock their sons' arguments, these fathers encourage their boys to think for themselves. Because these boys have felt their fathers' love, they are able to love and support others.

      You probably recognized your own father in the above descriptions. Hopefully, you recognized yourself in the last one. If, however, one of the first four scenarios hit home, you've got some serious work to do. You must come to terms with your relationship with your own father. And you must take steps now to add elements of compassion and mentoring to your interactions with your own son. (Editor: See Tipsheet). There is nothing more important that you can do with your life.

      "Fathering is a 'calling' and not a part-time job or something that can be approached casually and effortlessly," Poulter writes in his introduction to Father Your Son. "Fathering requires everything a man can give to his son. If you make this commitment, you and your son will reap the benefits for the rest of your lives. As you assess how you're doing as a father, don't be discouraged, no matter where you're falling short or how problematic your father-son relationship might be. Trust that you have the power to forge a strong, healthy relationship, and that above all else, fathers matter."

About the Book:

Father Your Son: How to Become the Father You've Always Wanted to Be (McGraw-Hill, 2004, ISBN 0-07141713-3, $14.95) is available at bookstores nationwide and all major online booksellers or by visiting www.mcgraw-hill.com.

About the Author:

Dr. Stephan B. Poulter is a licensed clinical psychologist with a private practice in West Los Angeles, California. He has worked in various settings with more than 2200 fathers and sons in the last twenty-three years.

Before he became a psychologist, he attended theological seminary and also served as a police officer with the city of Glendale, California. While attending graduate school and working full-time as a police officer, his law enforcement specialty was working with "at risk" juveniles, primarily young (12-18 year-olds) male criminal offenders, in programs designed to redirect their anger and salvage their future. This work motivated Dr. Poulter to pursue a doctorate in clinical psychology with an emphasis on adolescent male development.

Dr. Poulter has been interested in the relationship between fathers and sons for more than twenty years. While in college, he worked as a youth counselor and a camp director with adolescent boys during the summers. After completing his doctoral dissertation, which was entitled "Misdiagnosis of Acting out Adolescents," he ran a United Way counseling agency and oversaw school interventions for "at risk" students within the Los Angeles Unified School District. He has worked with a wide range of fathers and sons in all socioeconomic levels from the poorest to the wealthiest Hollywood celebrities. The issues are all the same: father and son relationships.

In 1998 he co-authored Mending the Broken Bough: Restoring the Promise of the Mother and Daughter Relationship (Berkley Books) with Dr. Barbara Zax. In promoting the book around the country, he quickly discovered that "as much as I knew about the relationships between girls and their mothers, women preferred to hear about these issues strictly from another woman, not a man. It was then that I realized what I really needed to write about was something that hits much closer to home, and which has so crucially shaped my own life: becoming the kind of father to your son that you never had yourself, but always wanted and hoped for. My own father left when I was fifteen; his emotional distance started many years earlier and was completed when he finally moved out. I rarely spoke to my father much after the age of eleven and know that this is not as uncommon as I once thought. I understood my father's marital conflict but I never understood why he didn't want much to do with me. This relationship has played a key role in my life's journey and development. All men, in order to enter adulthood, must examine their relationship with the first man they met and wondered about. There are no short cuts around your father— none."

Married, and the father of a boy and a girl, Dr. Stephan Poulter is passionate about the issue of fathers' needing to be active, present and involved with their sons. "Men want a book that speaks to them regardless of race, profession and marital status. Men want to do a better job with their sons than their fathers did with them, and you don’t necessarily need a Ph.D. to write that book. I have the academic credentials and the clinical background—but more importantly, the journey of fatherhood has always been one of the overarching themes in my life. I wrote this book from the heart. Men want an honest and direct approach that addresses their concerns, fears and questions about fathering their son. Men will listen to other men about fathering because there is a knowledge vacuum surrounding this all important topic."