Whether your father was neglectful, verbally or physically abusive, emotionally unavailable, or literally absent, you are a lost (or fatherless) son. Dr. Stephan Poulter says there are nine traits associated with being a fatherless son that affect your own fathering style as well as your approach to other areas of life:

• Shame. You feel defective, inadequate, and useless because why else would your father ignore or run away from you? These feelings may surface when your own child asks you a question for which you don’t have an answer or when she asks you to participate in an activity in which you’re not particularly skilled. They also may hover in the “background,” a nagging reminder that you’re damaged goods. As a result, you may keep your child at a distance, afraid that she’ll discover this secret part of you.

• Hopelessness. This overwhelming feeling hits you in the chest like a fifty-foot wave at particular times. You suddenly feel as if your life is over and something awful is going to happen. Impending doom is a chronic reaction to situations that don’t merit this reaction. Your child may get a poor report card or his team may lose an important Little League game and you react with panic and despair.

• Excessive guilt. You feel responsible for everyone and everything in your life. You are unable to see that things sometimes are clearly out of your control and not related to you. It is extremely difficult for you to say “NO” to people without feeling like you’re a bad person for saying that, especially when you have to tell your child she can’t do something or have something. Guilt runs your life.

• Inferiority. You don’t feel adequate or competent for any given situation or challenge. Whether it’s your career, your relationship with your wife, or your relationship with your child, you feel like a phony. You believe you’re not smart enough, strong enough, or responsible enough to be a good father, and this belief can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

• Overcompensation. This is the fallout from not having the proper male support, approval, and guidance growing up from your father. With those buried feelings of being lost and alone, you overcompensate with a macho mentality. Underneath the bravado, though, is the lost little boy of long ago. You are intensely competitive with all men you encounter, not just your son.

• Anger. This is not garden-variety anger, but rage that is always simmering just below the surface. The rage bursts forth at unpredictable moments, and your outbursts scare you because you feel absolutely out of control and very violent. Your rage is the temper tantrum of a little boy, a cry of frustration. It also helps you hide your childhood wounds from yourself; it is your defense against being hurt again.

• Addictive/compulsive behaviors. To keep the pain of being lost suppressed, substance abuse or any addiction works wonders. So too does any sort of obsessive behavior, from exercising religiously to following a rigid diet. Whether a compulsion or addiction, these activities block the scary feelings that threaten to make their way into your consciousness. Staying numb is a survival tactic, and therefore very difficult to give up.

• Lack of energy. It takes a great deal of energy, time, and inner resources to keep your fatherless boy feelings suppressed. That’s why many fathers feel enervated and don’t pursue careers or relationships with much vigor. They don’t take the type of risks necessary to get ahead in careers or build strong relationships at home because they’re wiped out from dealing with their inner demons.

• Poor relationships with male authority. Any authority can become the enemy if your fatherless issues are left unresolved. This is not limited to your boss and may also include social institutions such as the I.R.S., law enforcement personnel, and schoolteachers. This issue causes many fatherless sons to keep recreating situations where authority figures have to discipline them.

To become a compassionate, mentoring father—or just a healthier, more successful human being—you must “find your father” in the figurative sense. Dr. Stephan Poulter can lead you through this process by counseling you either in person or via telephone. He also offers a keynote presentation/workshop entitled Finding Your Father: How “Lost Sons” Can Heal Their Wounds and Become Healthy, Happy Men. Click here for more information.