Fathers matter to their daughters’ present and future wellbeing. Unfortunately, some men tend to completely overlook, dismiss, or fail to value their irreplaceable role at this critical time in their daughter’s life. By emotionally connecting with, spending time with, and believing in his daughter—particularly when she’s between the ages of ten and eighteen—a father imparts feelings of confidence, self-worth, courage, and hope. One of the critical gifts a father gives his young daughter is a sense of competence. Competence is the foundation that a woman builds her life on. If a woman doesn’t have this sense of competence, she might be called a “lost daughter.”

Competence is the intrinsic ability to face new challenges, have a thriving career, plan a family, develop high-functioning intimate adult relationships, and have a secure sense of one’s gifts, abilities, and future. Therefore, a “lost daughter” is at a great disadvantage. She will either overcompensate to cover up a nagging sense of inferiority or will develop an avoidant approach to life. A lack of competence is exhibited by the classic behavior of the executive who is considered a female version of the terminator by her co-workers. Another example is the woman who is solely consumed with her appearance and attention from men. She displays an unhealthy aggressiveness and/or a lack of visible confidence to function in the workplace.

The following list of questions is designed to help you gain a deeper understanding of the role your father had with you:

• Do you date the wrong men? In spite of your knowledge, experience, and pain, do you continue to date and/or marry the wrong type of man for you?
  
• Do you constantly wonder if you have an appeal to men (intellectually, emotionally, physically)?
  
• Do you wonder if you are capable of functioning in the workplace with men?
  
• Do you long for your father’s approval?
  
• Do you feel that your father valued your abilities, interests, and dreams as a teenager?
  
• Do your friends tell you that you express your anger like a man?
  
• Does “male energy” seem foreign to you?
  
• Do you wonder how you would parent or raise a boy?
  
• Do you find it difficult to make a commitment to yourself (physical fitness, career move, self-enriching choices)?

These questions are directed at the present-day expression of competence and your father’s influence in your life (past, present, and future). If you find yourself answering most of these questions with a “yes,” then consider the possibility that your relationship with your father needs to be explored.

Never underestimate the power, influence, and long-term effect (positive or negative) your father has/had on your life. It is important to resolve and understand the father and daughter issues so the quality of your life will be greatly enhanced. The men in your life (co-workers, lovers, friends) will always reflect the insight you have about you and your father.

Dr. Poulter can help you gain valuable, healing insights about your relationship with your father. He provides counseling services both in person and via telephone. He also offers a keynote presentation/workshop entitled Finding Your Father: How “Lost Daughters” Can Heal Their Wounds and Become Healthy, Happy Women. Click here for more information.